Gregg Koval.com - News and Letters

January 2012

Highlights in this Edition include:
New CD: New Year, CD/DD Sale, Second Video, Guitars, Jokes, and That's About It

News

Exegi monumentum aere perennius. It just that you can't see it.

Happy New Year.

I had such a good time over the Holidays that I won't even say how much. And It was good to see everyone that I saw. That's why the updates are late.

Not much new for the site but thanks for coming. Even though I've been recording like a fiend, it's just for me and nothing really site-worthy. I will start a new CD probably at the end of the month. I want to get in the habit of putting two CDs out a year again. So if I start now, or in a couple of days, I should have something out in April. And I'm looking forward to recording new stuff anyways. I think I might continue on with the "blues" thing since it's been good to me so far.

Speaking of home recording, I got some pictures of what I used to do before getting with the times and going digital. Oh, those were the days with the 4-track. We had some mighty fine times. Just kidding. I don't think I could ever go back to 4-tracks. It'd be like going back to dial-up. And that just wouldn't do.

Pete and I won't be playing out as much as we were last year. Reason why: The Sandbar and Rye Gate aren't having bands anymore. Actually, anyone who was booked for this year had their gigs cancelled on them. There was even a plan to cancel all acts and replace them with cheaper ones. Now there's nothing. I doubt I'll be going to either places, even just to visit. Pretty foolish idea getting rid of live music, and not because it affects me personally either.

And I think I'm done getting effects. My brother got me a BOSS PH-3 Phase Shifter for Christmas to finish off my humble collection. The Phaser would have been handier when I was playing with the band because I used to use the phaser quite a bit and I didn't want to bring the Maestro out. These days with the two of us, I've been pretty happy with the BOSS Super Chorus. While we're on the topic, I updated my Gear Page.

Now there's a Video Page. I figured having more than 1 video available constitutes its own page. Have a look at the Video Page.

I even revamped The Store. And everything though CD Baby will be marked down as low as I can go, so get that Special Someone a Special Delivery. trust me, they'll never let you forget it.

Enjoy your January.

Articles

Russian Breakup Letter

You know you're on your way out when you do a Christmas album

Steve Jobs revolutionizes everything, say some people.

And I'm starting a fun article on how boring and unimaginative CD covers have become. This will gradually get larger but here's a start...

The other month I picked up an Epiphone Nighthawk. How is it? Have a read...

Compare a 1987 Les Paul Junior with a 1956 Les Paul Junior - why not?

I Entered a Songwriting Contest - read how it went.

Feel-good E-mails - Ever accidentally get those sob story e-mails that old ladies e-mail to each other?

Guitar Lessons - but not the normal kind you pay for New for July.

I Eat Food For A Living - a new career opportunity

Cramming for a Health & Safety test? Click here for help.

Dumbest Song of the Month - new for September.

Mysteries of the Sun

Ask Gregg Anything

What's going to happen today? Find out here with a little help from yourself. Click here to read how to predict your future (pdf).

Spelling Your Name Over The Telephone

New Country Music.

Doing a Jigsaw Puzzle.

Office Copier Brochures.

How Chain Letter E-mails Ruined My Life.

A Look at Staying Healthy - Part 1 and Part 2

Over the last couple of months, I find that my Blog gets updated more than this site. Blogs are fun because I can waste words on a broader variety of topics. Already, there's quick blurbs about Best Buy and Cap'n Crunch. Hop over to the Blog...

Other Bits
Join the PTM Facebook group
Join Mine while you're here

Upcoming Gigs:

TBA

And remember: if you're in a bar and you see two guys playing with acoustic guitars, please don't ask for Elton John. OK?

Latest Release

Special Delivery is at CD Baby.
It's already available as an mp3 album on SoundClick.
Coming Soon to iTunes

Blind Date Video

Jokes:

I surprised my wife with a huge box of chocolates today.
I threw them straight at her head.

What do you get if you cross a gay with Justin Bieber?
2 Gays

I never wanted kids. I didn't want a stupid dog either.
I just never noticed them in the back when I stole the car.

Life is like a box of chocolates.
Ruined by fat people.

I've just written a song about Crabs, Gonorrhea and AIDS.
It's quite catchy.

How did the African feel when his wife left him?
Hungry

Whenever it rains I always think of my wife.
Any day now her shallow grave will be discovered.

Does Sean Connery like Herbs?
Yes, but only partially.

What has glasses and ruins your life?
The bar I met my wife in.

Two men are sat drinking in a bar.
''Who is that fat bastard that's just walked in?'' said the first man.
''That's my wife,'' said the second man.
''I'm sorry, I didn't mean her, I meant the ugly `one that's with her.''
''That's my daughter.''

My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off!

My noise cancelling headphones work perfectly.
I strangled my wife with them.

I found out that my dad used to molest my brother and I cried for hours.
It's hard being the ugly son.

Last Month's Jokes

Some women are never happy.
My pregnant wife was moaning that she couldn't reach the kettle. Her belly was bumping against the kitchen worktop, so I found a saw and cut some of it away.
Now she's crying because there's a pool of blood and a dead baby on the floor.

If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked me if I had change, I'd still say no.

The McRib is vaguely shaped like a rack of ribs in the same way that people who eat it are vaguely shaped like people

I hate it when I wake up and my wife's head is on my pillow.
Especially when the rest of her is buried in the garden.

I wonder if kids in China ever look at their happy meal toys and think, "Hey, I made this."

Justin Bieber baby claims are "demonstrably false," says spokeswoman. His hymen is still intact.

Every time I see my wife I smile.
Then I put down the obituaries for a bit.

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.
Or has it?

My wife said that she felt that we weren't communicating properly.
I said "About quarter past 9".

In Korea, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a dog than a car.
Food poisoning

The Catholic Church has a tough policy on child molesters;
Three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I ran into a guy today who reminded me of Michael Jackson
He said, "Don't forget Michael Jackson."

Just come back from a charity night for the Bulimia Society.
It didn't go too well.
In hindsight, it would have been better if I passed the collection bucket round before the buffet.

My girlfriend had an abortion yesterday.
It went ok but it took a lot out of her.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a platter...
Soup was a nightmare.

I said to my blonde wife, "Can you spell Orange?"
She replied, "The fruit or the colour?"

For years I thought I suffered from dandruff....
Turns out my hairdresser has eczema

I got a phone call from the hospital today.
"Your wife is a bad way," the doctor exclaimed. "She's been involved in a hit and run."
"I'll be there as quick as I can," I replied. "I'm just at the garage getting my bumper fixed."

Recently my wife has started to do little things to annoy me on purpose.
Like waking up and breathing.

Why hasn't Stevie Wonder written a song in a while?
Because he dropped his pencil.

A woman walks into a bar and ruins the joke.

An alcoholic goes to the doctors, walks in and the doctor says "How can I help?"
"I heard you can treat alcoholics?"
"Yes" replies the doctor .
"Well get your wallet out and take me to the pub"

If you are gay, never kiss a newborn baby.
You don't want to know where it's been..

Never judge a book by its cover.
Instead, read the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story's about.

I asked my Gym instructor to teach me the splits.
He said, "OK, well how flexible are you?"
I replied, "I can't do Tuesdays".

My wife asked me to stop treating her like a dog earlier, I told her to drop it.

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.
The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

Some people came round to my house last night collecting for cancer... so I gave them 20 cigarettes.