|
There’s a lot of Asians here today. They’re always smart. I’m not jealous or anything. If I count them, then I can guesstimate how long before I’m knocked out. Guesstimate: G-U-E-S-S-T-I-M-A-T-E. That works out because I’m getting hungry already. And there’s a lot of people here. A lot of parents. A lot of girls too. Pretty girls make me nervous. If I pretend they’re in their underwear, I don’t relax – I end up getting more embarrassed. Woody: W-O-O-D-Y. It’s almost 9:00. It’s about to start. I look over to see where my escort went. I can’t believe one of the rules was to bring your own escort. She’s pretty hot. I think she’s building up her client base. Client Base: C-L-I-E-N-T B-A-S-E. I didn’t pay enough so I won’t get any extras. The only thing that’ll get blown are my chances at winning this thing. I was up all night reading Webster's Third New International Dictionary and its Addenda Section, copyright 1993. My brain is full. Great, now my brain is full, my mouth is dry and I’m sweating like a pig. I wonder if I can get a glass of water…so I can make more sweat. I guess not; we all have to take our seats. Holy shit – Bill’s here. I never liked Bill; kind of an asshole. I remember in the rules where it said: “The judges may or may not disqualify any participant if they don’t like the way the participant is looking at them or at the pronouncer”. 5 seconds of Bill-Charm should get him disqualified. Disqualified: D-I-S-Q-U-A-L-I-F-I-E-D. I’m getting nervous now. They started the opening speeches. To take my mind off stuff I’m going over some of the other rules in my head. “There is to be no public fornication, on stage or anywhere, during the spelling bee. “ If that happened, I’m sure more people would be in the audience. The other odd rule was: “You will be disqualified if you are not present when it is your turn to spell, unless you’re peeing or pooing. For any other reason (save a "true" medical emergency) the participant will be immediately and unforgivably excised from our clique.“ I don’t remember seeing “pooing” in the dictionary. Excised: E-X-C-I-S-E-D. First contestant is up. Here we go. Why do Chinese girls pick the name Tracy? She is cute though. "Infrared". That’s her word. Not really a hard one. This made me wonder how Asians spell so well. It’s not like they use words – it’s all symbols. Do they have a drawing contest instead? Tracy: T-R-A-C-Y. Who’s next, let’s see… ah, it’s Asshole Bill. What word is he going to get? "Ignoramus". That word suits him great. I’m torn between him spelling it wrong or spelling it right and then getting disqualified. What a dumb ass. He spelled the word right and then pretended to “ride the horse”. See ya later, Bill. Hmmm…it must be a trend. There’s Trampy Tammy Sinkopitch. I won’t lie – I’ve dropped loose change many of times to look up her skirt. She started wearing thongs in Grade 4. Still, she keeps it neat though. Nice. I wonder what word she’ll get? Disqualified: D-I-S-Q-U-A-L-I-F-I-E-D. Wait a sec. She actually got disqualified. For wearing “too short a skirt”? I’ll be damned. Well that’s two down. Two whiteys, no less. Well, there goes Lin Lu. She’s nice actually. I wonder what word she’ll get? Rutherfordium? As in Atomic Number 104, Rutherfordium? Geeze. She didn’t even pause. Looks like I’m next. I’m drenched, I’m nervous and…well, wish me luck.
|
Great. My first Spelling Bee. Being this dressed up
makes me sweat more. Good thing I chose dark colours.
I’m not even sure why I’m here.